Ambien. No doubt about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
