his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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