She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
