whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I hate all girls vehemently.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
