I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The power of my boobs compel you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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