I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
