fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
