i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
50% drunk capacity currently
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
