I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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