just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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