Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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