I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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