If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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