Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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