And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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