If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
