remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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