We got so high we made milksteak
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
