Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
