True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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