I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Congratulations! We have a period
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
