And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
