Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
