the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
