hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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