I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
