I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
