I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
