I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
