im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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