my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
