apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
please come you make the beer taste better
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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