Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
