Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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