youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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