I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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