Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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