she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
