Got a toothbrush?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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