just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
