I'm jealous of your bromance
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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