Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
