You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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