Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
