omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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