Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
