went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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