If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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