I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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