Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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