he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Vodka?
Forever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
