OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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