You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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